On Memories

I do not have many memories of my childhood. Not because of some traditional trauma, or not having done things, but because I think at some level I just didn't want to maintain them as that life and my life up until recently never felt like mine. It was a version of me playing a version of me that society and those around me wanted me to be. As I sit here and write, I can truly only think of 10 or so clear memories from my pre-pubescent childhood, and only a handful from my teenage years. Some are bad, some are good, but the ones I can remember do feel like me in the present, or are very strongly related to transitioning.

There is a memory of skiing and being stuck in the trees at Breckenridge with a friend, whose name I cannot remember. But I can remember the joy of skiing with a friend.

Another is of me sitting in a chair at my grandparents lake house reading the Deathly Hallows by she who will not be named. Though this one is fading.

One is of me praying to wake up as a girl, this is when I stopped believing in God.

I remember skiing the Milky Way Bowl at Heavenly and having a blast.

Taking a picture of a girl I loved but never told her, or was she a girl I wanted to be.

I don't have memories of myself hanging out with my friends, not until high school when I first really made friends. And even then those blur together. But they are there, and they are nice.

In all of these memories whether they are fuzzy or clear, I don't have a sense of self. Its a bunch of activities, not a cohesive person. I don't remember peoples faces or names, as I barely remember my past self. And so many of these memories are not from my perspective. They are from a third person perspective. As if I am looking at someone else. Sometimes the memories feel like they are first person, but not really. There is a disconnect between Jensen and Jen. The same person, the same mind, but not really.

Many of my memories from my 20s and even early 30s, feel distant now. While they are closer than my childhood memories, not just in time, but in feeling. I still cannot or do not want to recall much. There are some ski trips, vacations, outings with friends, dates, relationships, injuries, and so on, which I do recall. And some that I can even clearly picture. And several that actually feel like me now, not like me looking at someone else's memories. But many, if not the vast majority do not feel like my memories. I do not recall them fondly, like I hear many people do. I do not reminiscence in them. I do not day dream of days past. I recall them and feel sadness or loss, to a past that never was. Not in some regretful way like many people do. But in a I could have actually enjoyed that I was me.

One is of me dancing at my friends wedding. I am happy but feel off and am unable to fully commit to dancing.

I am on a date, yet cannot be in the moment as I am thinking of how to be a "man", and that continues for the entire 8 month relationship, me never just being myself. Until one day I am, and the relationship ceases.

I struggle to just enjoy moments, even with friends and family that I should be able to enjoy

This is the pattern of those memories, some are nice. There are some lovely days of skiing with my brother, going on long hikes, sending a project, or taking a lovely photo. But there are so many memories where I can recall myself holding Jen back. Not being comfortable with that part of me. Even though I wanted her to be me, even when I didn't know I was her. Yet there were moments when Jen was free and unrestrained by me.

Blasting EDM and dancing care free when alone, and just feeling happy

Playing another female character in a TTRPG, and being flirtatious and extroverted with in that character, yet it comes so easily, not like playing a character.

Skiing down the East Wall or flowing through fresh powder, and not wanting to be anywhere else

These memories where Jen was clearly let out, are the ones that I remember most fondly. And usually from my actual perspective. I don't have to try to remember them. They just are. They do not feel like some distant memory or someone else's memory. They feel like mine. Even the ones that are old or from my teenage years. These memories occupy a part of my brain that is closer to me, to Jen. Because well they were me. Not the version of me, I was pretending and masking to be, but the true me. The happy, extroverted, flirty, adventurous, and confident version of me, Jen.

At time of writing this, I have been on hormones for almost 2 years, and 1 year on from my bottom surgery. And in that fairly short time, I have been able to make so many memories. That feel like mine, and that I actually want to recall, and enjoy. In this time Jen has been let out more and more, as I grew more comfortable with myself. Until finally I have just become Jen. There is no more hiding behind Jensen, there is just Jen.

Wearing a slutty outfit to many different raves, and having the best time

Initiating the first kiss on a date because I wanted to

Skiing fresh powder and not wanting to be anywhere else

Seeing myself in the mirror, and crying tears of joy

As I wrote that last line, I broke down crying tears of joy for the first time in my life because it finally hit me. I am in the girl, now woman, I always wanted to be. I am Jen. I am happy, extroverted, flirty, adventurous, and confident. I am looking forward to the memories I am going to make and remember.

Transitioning is about realizing who you are, and in some cases taking extreme steps to make that happen. Everyone transitions, not just trans people. If you look back on your own memories like I have done, I am sure that you, even if you are not trans, will see some similar patterns. There will be memories that do not feel like you, there will be memories that you cannot make your self recall, and there will be happy memories that feel like you. We are our memories, that is what makes me myself and you yourself. In my case, some of my memories were from a version of myself I stood up to protect my true self and hide behind. And while that version of me is still me, its not who I am going to be going forward. I am going to be Jen.

But how did I find Jen? How did I become Jen? How did I accept being Jen? Well that's what I am going to explore in these writings. And hopefully you, the reader, can get something out of this even if you are not trans. I have had a lot of conversations with people cis, trans, friend, stranger since I started transitioning, but I have never really put everything into a cohesive writing. I have my journals, notes in the margins of my books, random underlines in those same books, random thoughts in Obsidian. Now does the world need another trans or queer coming out story, well yes stories are always good. But also yes, because well I took a weirdly academic approach to my transition (as I am nominally an academic researcher), and as a result do have some interesting points to add to the corpus of trans stories that may help someone else with their journey of self.